Uncertainty

I’ve become aware recently that I’m a control freak in this area.  When I’m not in the “know”  I get very edgy.  That’s true in my work life, in my life as a husband and dad and has been true in my life as a student.  I like to know what’s coming – thankfully, my parents knew this and didn’t throw surprises at me.  I like change, so it’s not that I fear things being upset, but I want to know when it’s coming and what it is that’s on its way.  

I’m in a stage right now in my life where a lot of unknowns are in front of me – more being added each and every day.  What’s amazing to me is all the physical pieces involved with this anxiety.  I’m not an idiot and I’ve been in tough spots before, but the sleeplessness, the nervousness and the irritation is really overwhelming sometimes.  In the course of a couple days, things could be completely different than what I think could happen and that causes me a little uneasiness.  Beyond that, one of my kids is facing a surgery that involved anesthesia and that’s always scary.  

So, what’s a person to do with all this?  As I continue to grow in my faith, I realize the need of Spiritual Directors – people who can help guide and partner through the mystery of life and God’s involvement inside of it all.  But without a Spiritual Director, I find that I have to force myself to seek God’s presence and His voice.  It’s not easy to hear Him or find Him when all of life seems to be a giant hurricane.  It can also be deeply frustrating to not connect, especially when you’re surrounded by the sights, sounds and idea of Easter right around the corner.  

But, in order to survive through this uneasy, unsure, and chaotic time I have to keep forcing myself into God.  I have to stop and breathe.  I have to make everything slow down long enough for me to see Him in the face of my boys, or the comforting pats to the shoulder given by my wife, or the quiet purring of the goofy cat laying on my lap.  These things make me stop – they make me reorient, but only if I let them.  I have to live in those moments and believe that God is there in the middle of my “not-knowing.”  I don’t know what’s going on or what’s happening – I do know that He does and He will provide for me like a Father, Love and hold me like a mother and speak peace to me as only HE can.  

Of course, the next piece is that once I find those places or moments I have to find a way to stay there and that’s a whole different bog.

Grace and Peace…