Getting nervous and anxious is a really interesting phenomenon – if you think about it. I recently preached about fear and I was researching how our bodies were created to respond to threats. Our pulses quicken, our blood pressure rises, our muscles tighten, we are being made ready to go into some kind of action. Even our breath is affected by the situations around us. In the calm of my office, this fascinating, in other places, well…fascinating might not be the right word.
During my college years, I commuted to school every day for classes. I’ll never forget the nerves of driving up the hill to the commuter parking lot for my first day. I was excited and anxious and ready to begin this new season of life. I’ll also never forget the first time I drove off-campus in the middle of the day. I was used to the rigid rules of high school where you don’t leave unless you are picked up or have a note. Driving down the hill, I kept waiting for someone to jump out and reprimand me for doing something wrong.
It’s silly to think about now, but the nerves as I drove down that hill were ridiculous. Was I doing something wrong? Would I get caught? Would I not measure up? Like, I said, silly. Since I didn’t live on campus, I didn’t have someone to show me the ropes, to tell me where to go and what to do. I just had to know that stuff. It wasn’t until my 2nd week that I found the commuters hang out, and was quickly taken in under their wing. I found a home in this strange place and with this group who became “my people,” and it was amazing how quickly my nerves disappeared.
As I think through that memory, the idea of “finding a home” really settles into my head and heart. In his book “Following Jesus,” Henri Nouwen points to the story of John and Andrew hearing this bold statement of their teacher, John the Baptizer. Jesus has come to the wilderness to be baptized by John, and as Jesus walks away, John says “there is the lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world.”
It must have been a shocking statement for John and Andrew to hear from their teacher. This wild man dressed is camel’s hair and who had a really crazy diet, suddenly pauses and makes a proclamation unlike any other he has made. John was known for shouting his message of repentance, but at this moment, did John whisper his insight? Did his followers have to lean in to hear what was being said? Did John point Jesus out? Did he stand taller in the presence of Jesus or did he slump down in awe?
In any case, John and Andrew take off like a shot. They want to see this man – to be near him and so they run after the lamb. They seem to instinctively know that the time to upgrade has come. I find myself laughing at stories like this – they just seem so comical to me. The movie renditions make it look like it’s some holy high church scenario where Jesus is floating across the ground, and the disciples come up so reverently. But the gospel tells us “Jesus turned around, saw them following, and said, “what do you want?”
It’s almost as if they are following at a distance; trying to see what this lamb is going to do or where he is going. Their hiding or following at a distance must be pretty lame because Jesus sees them and says what anyone would say if they were being followed. Of course, if that sounds a little sacrilegious, then Jesus certainly could have known they were there because he’s the Son of God, but I don’t know it just doesn’t seem to fit for me.
The disciples come up to Jesus and they answer his question – “Teacher, where do you live?” Where are you going? Where is your home? Not a question about who he is, or what his mission is, or some theological qualifier, but “where do you live?” Jesus says “come and see.” And they do – they go with Jesus and they stay with him and they begin a new season where they actually dwell with this new teacher.
Jesus didn’t lead them to an altar moment. He didn’t tell them to “Ask, Repent, Confess, and Receive.” He invited them to be with him. John would later use the word “abide” and Jesus invites them to abide with him. He invites them to be at home with him. He invites them to step out of the shadows – to stop following form a distance and to step into the living room of Jesus’ presence.
Nouwen says “the image of God inviting us to his home is used throughout scripture,” and in all these images it seems pretty clear that God’s desire is for us to be found at home with God. It is in the house of God where safety and hope and peace and embrace occurs when there is so much uncertainty, chaos, confusion, and dread outside.
After 3 years of walking with the Master, Jesus invites those disciples one more time to be at home with him. “I have made my home in you so you can make your home in me” (John 15). He says “abide in me.” In other words, our home, the place we are most free to be who we are, is Jesus. Certainly, it’s with Jesus and for many, this is the closest some will ever be brave enough to step, but Jesus’ love is inviting us to “come and see” and make our home in him.
Nouwen asks a question that is very pointed. It’s easy to read it as a churchy question and then to give a churchy answer, but to do so misses the invitation. The question is “Are you following Jesus?” It’s a tough one, right? He says more often we are more “wanderers rather than followers” A wanderer isn’t at home. A wanderer searches for that place where they can lay their head. A follower, at least Jesus’ followers, have been invited to find the place where Jesus is, and then make their home with him – to abide there with him.
Eugene Peterson’s translation of Matthew 11, where Jesus invites the weary wanderer to follow is particularly gripping for me in light of this abiding and making my home in and with Jesus. Peterson translates Jesus words this way:
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
Unforced rhythms of grace…wow! It seems that with all my distractions and noise and exhaustion, this kind of homecoming may be what I need more than anything. In following Jesus, I tend to make a mess out of things rather quickly. It usually comes from making the home rather than being at home. It always comes because I’ve seen the “lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world” and I stay back at a distancing wondering where Jesus is going to go next, rather than hear him say “come on, and see where I am.”
I hope at some point we are going to have a moment when Jesus says to us “what do you want?” And I hope as we hear that question, we’ll find the nerve to not worry about who’s watching us or what we could do wrong, but we’ll just find ourselves at home with Jesus. It is after all what he’s wanting for us – just to be with you and me.
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