What I’m learning from Insomnia

Anyone who has spent any real time with me knows that I have had a long relationship with insomnia.  I’ve always been a light sleeper and I can remember waking up to noises even back in middle school.  In College this waking up became a bigger issue and I started noticing just how tired I really was throughout the day.  At first, every once in a while, I’d take a tylenol PM to help me sleep.  Then I started trying herbs and teas and natural stuff.  Then I went to my School Psychologist and chatted with him about my sleeplessness.  I talked to a pastor about things that “might be” keeping me up.  I finally went a Medical Doctor and was prescribed some meds (3 different ones over the course of a year).  None of these treatments worked.  I kept waking up and I kept feeling more and more run down (the drugs made me really foggy and left me with a hangover type feeling every morning – not fun!).
About 3 months ago, I had a scare.  In a rare moment, I fell asleep and Joy was awake.  She noticed irregular breathing and at one point worried that I had stopped breathing all together.  She told me about it the next day and I realized it was time to do something (my heart stopping because of not sleeping is not an option).  I scheduled an appointment with a sleep specialist here in Louisville (if you’re local and want their information give me an email – brilliant folks).  He had me do a sleep study which showed that I didn’t have breathing or apnea problem, so he referred me to a colleague on Sleep Behavioral treatment.  I’ve been in the process/treatment for the past 3 weeks and, while I’m still tired, I am seeing a pretty significant difference.  (If you want to see a recent story on both insomnia and a similar treatment plan that I am on click here.)
Ultimately my blog post today isn’t’ about my sleepiness, but about what I’ve noticed has come out of the new sleep pattern the last two weeks.  I used to wonder why/how Jesus could go about his entire day of ministry/travel/engagement/etc and then still have the stamina to climb a mountain and stay awake all night praying, and then get back at it in the morning?  I got the staying awake part, but how did he do it and not pop the next day?  I mean was the whole “turning over the tables in the temple” really just insomnia induced behavior?
I started a new series this past week on the Sermon on the Mount and I actually spent very little time on the beatitudes as we kicked it off sunday night.  What I found really interesting was Jesus’ intentional move in the opposite direction of what he was expected to do.  The crowds were expecting him to move into action and form up a military campaign.  They expected him to form his court in an actual throne room and instead he calls together his friends on a hillside.  Instead of rallying the crowd into a frenzy, Jesus invites them to a radically different, yet equally subversive, lifestyle.
As I thought about Jesus on that mountain, leading in the way the people (the world) needed, speaking and sharing and inviting, I realized that Jesus did all this out of a centered life.  For Jesus, 40 days wandering and being stretched prepared him to preach, teach, heal and challenge the status quo.  Jesus’ walk up the mountain was an invitation to do like he did – get away, rest in God’s presence and be renewed for life and ministry.  He stayed up and prayed and spent time with God the Father not because he was an insomniac, but because he knew that to live the life he wanted to live required that time with the Father.  Notice I didn’t say, he did it so that his ministry to the world would be empowered or better off.  That is certainly true, but Jesus spent time with the Father because it allowed him to be more alive.  He took that time not to have power, he took that time to be with his abba.  The power, the wisdom, the authority came through that time they spent together, but he went there to BE with and to enjoy the presence of his dad – his God.
My insomnia treatment has already started to pay off in terms of rest and a mental victory over the specter of my anxiety about sleep.  The actual anticipation of going to bed is so much better than the dread that came with nightfall.  The morning smile of knowing I didn’t wake up 5-10 times that night is brilliant.  But what’s really been the gift is the reordered time that I now get to spend, rested and awake, with my abba.  I get to climb a mountain every morning (and evening if I like) and have that time with God and just be with Him.  That’s the payoff, the other stuff just makes it better.  I’m more at peace.  I’m less anxious.  The daily stressors of life that are supposed to be processed in sleep are actually being processed and not being thrown at my ceiling fan in frustrated wakefulness at 3 am.
I hope that you get to climb a mountain this weekend.  I hope you get some rest and can recharge your batteries.  I hope that sabbath occurs for you on Saturday and that you enter into worship on Sunday ready to adore our God.  I hope all this for you, but more than all that, I hope that you can spend some time with Abba.  I pray that contentment and abiding for you.  I pray that you’ll be able to hear the God of creation, your Abba, whisper his dreams for you.

Grace and Peace…